This Is a Self-Indulgent Rant

please proceed to ignore everything i say for the next fifteen.... twenty.. thousand minutes of my life

I read all of her blog again and i realize i only made her sad... in all my life its the only thing i've ever accomplished. Making people sad. Fucking up everything and just letting it get worse cause i'm too fucking selfish to just deal with it and move on. I should.
Fuck me... fuck me and my stupidity, my ugliness and my horridness.... I want to punch a hole through a plate glass window and watch my life just drain out of me...
I feel so lost... all the "happy" moments i ever thought i had with her are pointless... cause she can't remember any of them. I wish i could take it back. I remember what it was like to lay on her floor with her friends and think that life could really be good no matter how horrible i was.
But i fucked it up. Everything, all of it, i destroyed and decimated... cause i'm a horrible peice of shit who shouldn't be breathing here today.
So what the fuck am i going to do about it?
Seriously... I need some rehab, i need to forget what it was like... All my happy memories seem so tainted now
With failure
With loss
With death... and i hate it.
I wish i had one clean, good thing to hold on too. A shining star to keep in my heart and heal all these gaping holes....

too much to wish for... cause i'm to ugly and worthless to deserve it...

pick me up and dust me off....