akward

thats how I feel being around people right now, but esspechialy alison and marty. I feel like I'm this criminal, allowed to stay alive allowed to stay amungst those I care about but at the same time be...I really don't know. Its just feels funny.

Marty seems to be angry at me. He said that he had really needed to talk to me at 8 last night and that I hadn't picked up the phone. I don't pick up the phone unless someone texts...I know this, everyone else does too exept for him i guess, and I am sorry that I didn't pick up but I was dropping eric off, something that my father would not of approved of adn I really wasn't in the mood to be yelled at. And so now I feel like I'm on probation from the real marty, I only get the cold one. Its to bad because right now the world is so cold I think that if there is much more of this I shall freeze, or at the very least my blood shall slow down, thicken and move as slug. bringing the sharp pain of cold to every part of me, but mostly my heart.

I don't know what to think...or do around alison. I feel and know that I have broken some secret promise. That I crossed some lines. And although I regret hurting her...it is such a two sided thing. I hate my sefl for hurting her. I hate my self for loving one of the outcomes. I hate my self for loving. Is that ironic? I don't know. Maybe I need an english lesson.

I wish someone would tell me how to make this all work out. I wish that I didn't have to figure it out for my self. I hate that this blog was still public. I hate that you all know what I'm thinking all the time becuase I post it here. I hate that only the worst part of me comes out here and if you only read or take this blog seriously you will think I'm a monster...because really this is the last blog to be taken seriously. Its the one that you take with an ounce of salt because all those things that need to be PURGED out of your system before them rot your mind are here...

explanation done...I go now to curl up and cry, all I can do to releive this. My alternatives are scarce and dis-allowed.

I don't care about my spelling tonight, so sorry for the tough reading...