Lie to me

Hello Boy

You’ve probably received my last letter by now, if it’ll ever get to you, and as I’ve not heard from you in a handful of days, I decided that I might as well try and write another letter to you… I’m feeling rather inspired at the moment, so you might be getting a piece of writing in the guise of a letter. Or I might be lying and simply trying to communicate with you through my second to last medium. I hate the phone, but you knew that already.

I haven't been sleeping enough lately, I’m always tired and my dreams offer me no escape. Its exhausting, I used to dream of happier times, of people and places I love. Now all I get is stress, anxiety, and fear of loosing everything. I’m scared of loosing it, whatever it is I have. No one will admit to being mine, except her, and she’s someone else’s, she’s her own. No one except brad will lay claim on me. And you. But I worry about that most of all, despite your constant reassuring. Is there someone out there who loves you more, who you’d rather have? I’m sorry but I don’t mean to pry. Or maybe I do and am too scared to ask you. Maybe that’s the problem, I’m afraid of pushing you away, and I’m afraid of you leaving. Don’t try and tell me you won’t die, because I don’t worry about that as much as I used to. I worry about you loosing the wonderful person I know and love, becoming something other than you. If you become the predator, I refuse to be another piece of prey.

Maybe I’m being crazy. Tell me if I am, it will be easier if you do. I need to know what to do, and only you or your actions can make that clear to me. I miss you terribly, I’m sad, and lonely, but only because I choose to believe you want to be here as much as I want you to be. If I could read your mind, maybe things would be different.

I feel too innocent. I’m so tired. My heart, my mind, hurt me. Its strange, and hard, and I don’t understand what’s going on. I haven't seen you in so long, I don’t know what to do. Instability is my destroyer. I need to vent, need to rant, need to let it all go.

And I wonder if you’re sleeping with her. That girl you told me of, the one who says she loves you. Is she prettier than me? Probably… I wish you’d tell me; I’m so wound up. I never should have said its alright, never should have told you it wouldn’t hurt me. I can barely breathe thinking about you in the arms of another girl, someone better, prettier, smarter than me. But I expected it. Maybe I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy, I wouldn’t put it past me. If you believe anything hard enough, it will happen, but are you so scared you can’t admit it to me?

Is it so bad that you don’t love me?

I want you to. I want to love you, keep you, have you forever… but I don’t see you letting that happen. I see you turning against me, making me your next Misty. I won’t break up with you and you know it, but you’re not making it any easier for me to stay. I wanted this to be something that would work in time, after all the bad got sorted out. Now I get the feeling you’re going to come here, smile at me, make me melt and love you again… fuck me and chuck me.

Why so sad boy?

Whoever said relationships were easy? I guess you’re just like me except with greater capabilities… I always wanted a boy in your absences… just that boy was you.

I’m a liar and for that I’m sorry. I’m a girl and that I cannot change.

I love you boy. Please make it all be a lie.

Lie to me.