Nothings Wrong
Is my constant lie going to break me? I can only hope. I can only pray that soon i'll shatter into a million tiny peices.
Did you know i stopped trying? That i fully intend on becoming a mess of scar and scab and hopelessness. It seemed like a great idea at the time.
And he doesn't care. It never occured to him to ask why, or even to hold my hand as i let myself go. It'd be easier if he was hanging on, or maybe, it would be harder. I know for sure it'd be better, but it's too much to ask.
I hate being the dirty little secret. I hate that i advertise that fact in my flesh. I hate myself and its beautiful to be free from the lies.
2 Comments:
Yes, I know that you stopped trying and if I thought hard enough I could probably pick out the exact moment, but I don't know what that would acheive.
I think, that if you did ask him right out, wether he cares or not he would say yes, is his sheepish voice that explains that he knows that he should have said something before...
I really don't know what to say right now, I have a feeling that my works really don't mean all that much and that the words that you are waiting to hear are his...not mine at all. That is if I could muster up somethign to say.
Really I'm just wondering whats brought about this turn in everything. I can see you, really no making it. And I feel it in my marrow, that I'm slipping too. Really I dont' know why. And so I don't expect you to have and anwer to that question...
Right now, for this little while, i dont' know how to stop it either...the only thing that seems to hold it at bay is walking, outside, in the skrits of spring. But thats just me.
I wish that you would call me over one day and say you wanted to talk. I wish that I wasn't so stupid and would just come over, take those two steps across the room, and talk with you. I wish it was summer. Or at the very least that we had a day in your car again. Those were amazing...Perhaps this year, it will be my car? And a slightly diffrent sound track?
And i want so badly to go back. I want it so much it hurts. But i'm scared my need for company will tear you away from your boy, and make me a bad friend. I know its silly, but there are days i wish we could just... sit, or drive, or go somewhere and not worry cause it hurts so much to just keep living. I try to keep myself up, but i can't.
I tried to ask him, gentle and prodding, but he doesn't want me to do something because of him. Or at least, doesn't want to make me stop. But he doesn't realize the fact that he won't tell me not to makes me want to more. Because it feels like he's not holding on, feels like its all falling apart, cause he can't hold on to me.
I just want to be held on to. And i know you would if i asked, but i can't ask you to do that. I can't beg you to sacrifice for me. You have other, more important needs now. And i want you to fufil them, i want so badly for you to be happy.
I know we're both slipping and yet all i can wonder is: Is it really the end of the world?
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